It’s been a while.

It’s been almost four years since I have posted anything in this blog, to be honest I had almost completely forgotten I ever even had this. Life has been really crazy for me… I am finally dating a decent guy and I have a really great and steady job and I even moved out of the batshit crazy place I was living. So much has happened and now as I’m writing this all I can think of is how the fuck did I end up here! And what I mean by that is that with everything that has gone right so much more has gone wrong. It pains me to say that the depression is back in a more serious way than it has been in the past, doctors are trying different things for me and medication to be on but nothing seems to be doing the trick. I found out that I have a thyroid disease known as hoshimotos and that explains so much honestly because I am always tired, I have no energy to do anything, I can’t gain weight and I am always an emotional wreck. I thought that part of my life was over and done with but to me know it seems that it’s just the beginning… I have started to have those bad thoughts again and the nightmares are back, I try to stay awake as long as I can do I don’t to close my eyes and see the faces and hear the noises that have been haunting me since I can remember. I thought that being older now and an adult I would be okay and would never have to relive painful memories and that everything was in the past but everyday I see it clear just as if it happened yesterday. About eighty percent of my day I feel like punching a wall or hurting myself in some way, I have a headache constantly and have started smoking again and it has now become a habit once again as well, I have tried to quit many times but I always come back to it. I don’t understand why I am like this, I’ve read books and talked to people and looked up information online but I still feel hopeless, is it ever going to stop? Am I ever going to be Normal? I second guess myself with every move and decision I make, I always think that I am wrong or that somebody is angry at me… this mainly comes in to play with my boyfriend, he is a really great guy but he is not good with dealing with my emotions and feelings and I don’t blame him, if I was dating a crazy fucked up person I would probably feel the same way that he does. Not to mention he is not home because he is stationed in a different state and has a shit ton going on so I try not to bother him with my shit as well but the times that I do we end up getting into an argument over texting and then I start crying and he stops responding and when I try to call him it makes him even more mad, I do not blame him like I said I’m a psycho bitch and say a lot of stupid things when I fell like he’s not listening to me or understanding what I’m saying to him. Unfortunately tonight is one of those nights…. I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t talk to me tomorrow because I had a freak out on him. I wish that he understood that I’m afraid I’m going to lose him because every guy I’ve ever been with has cheated on me and I have been in some really bad abusive relationships before and when he says certain things it really triggers some painful times in my life and then I get angry at him. I just wish I could be better. I want to be myself and normal… now that I think about it though I do not know how to be myself because I havnt ever been. I’m just fucked up in the head and sometimes feel like I am a waste of space. It hurts so deeply in my soul that I am this way, I need something to change I need to have a clear and focused mind but not matter what I do it always ends the same way. I feel hopeless and alone, I wish sometimes I had never been born but then I think holy fuck! I must be crazy.

#fuckup

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